What married men want?

8 reasons why married men fall in love with other women

The fantasy is shattered sooner or later when the harsh reality sets in. A passionate and lovingly crafted relationship can derail with time. There are circumstances that could put a marriage, even the best ones, to the test.

A husband will frequently wind up falling in love with another lady, which causes him to question the validity of his marriage.

Why a man would deceive has frequently troubled women.

Relationships can be complicated for a variety of reasons, and people commit infidelity for a variety of reasons as well; nevertheless, this is not always an excuse.

Here, we discuss eight likely explanations for why a man could be willing to jeopardize his marital future:

1. He cannot handle crying

The sound of his woman sobbing can be very upsetting and disconcerting to a man. It frequently puts him in a difficult situation and makes him feel weak, guilty, and responsible. A man starts looking for methods to get away from all the moaning since he feels uneasy around tears. Consequently, he and his significant other would be separated.

2. The allure of the forbidden fruit

Because it is forbidden, a husband frequently finds himself cheating on his wife. He can just be seduced by the thrill of engaging in something wrong and wicked without understanding the consequences.

3. He feels unappreciated

A man always wants his wife to lead a happy life. He will work hard to give her a sense of value and security. But if his significant other doesn’t recognize and value this quality, he feels empty. He begins looking for a new spouse because he has doubts that his marriage would bring him any happiness at all.

4. Return to adolescence

Married guys eventually reach a point where they might act in a way that makes their partner feel like a parent, whether it be by finding reasons to stay out late, being overly possessive of their phones, or refusing to fulfill their responsibilities in a committed partnership. Most husbands struggle with this stage of second adolescence, which occasionally causes them to depart.

5. He wants to make a change.

Several years into a marriage, a man might begin to become tired of the status quo (existing state of affairs). He can feel stagnated rather than secure because of the steady nature of the connection. He might wander off in pursuit of an extramarital affair to liven up his life.

6. He might exhibit narcissistic traits.

Partners who cheat frequently lack empathy. A husband who cheats on his wife usually exhibits some narcissistic traits. He does not consider how his actions may affect his loved ones before acting. Because he is more concerned at that time with seeking out his own happiness, even if it means sacrificing others.

7. He seeks understanding.

Men typically struggle with self-expression. It is crucial that they locate a compatible life partner who will support them through their ups and downs. If a spouse is unable to find a forgiving and understanding buddy in his life partner, he starts exploring elsewhere.

8. He seeks an Independent Woman

When his wife relies on him for little tasks like opening the jar lid or repairing the kitchen light, a man does feel strong. However, when his partner has a life of her own, whether it be holding a work of her own, spending time with her own group of friends, or simply breezing around, a husband feels happier and more at ease.

After an affair, a couple can decide to move forward jointly or separately. It depends on each person’s moral compass, capacity for mercy, and patience in overcoming their disagreements. But open communication and the ability to learn from mistakes are crucial.

Dear Therapist: I Was the Other Woman

I know I sound naive, but this wasn’t like a “normal” affair.

December 14, 2020
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Editor’s Note: On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb answers a reader’s question about a problem, big or small. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.

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Dear Therapist,

This is the age-old story of a younger woman meeting an older, married man at work.

I was aware that he was married with kids. He was always very active on social media, and often I thought, What a cute family! I never had any intention of getting involved with him, especially because I had been cheated on before. At the same time, I can remember the exact moment I met him, before anything had happened. It was like I had met him before, but I knew I hadn’t.

One night, at a work event, he and I really connected. A few days and a few hundred text messages later, I was hooked. He expressed to me his grievances about his wife. He praised her for being a good person and mother, but not a good partner. He was unhappy, but he couldn’t stand the thought of leaving his children and not tucking them into bed every night. He claimed to have never been fully happy in his marriage, saying that on his wedding day, he almost didn’t follow through.

I know I sound naive, but this wasn’t like a “normal” affair. It wasn’t secret text messages once in a while, or only seeing him once a week. This was texting all day and night. Phone calls on the way to and from work. Seeing each other four or more times a week. Endless Snapchats, private messages, inside jokes, and so on. He told me he loved me, and I loved him back. He looked at me in a way no one else ever had before. There were serious talks of him wanting to leave but not being able to because of issues with his kids. The guilt consumed me—I felt anxious, lost weight, couldn’t look in the mirror some days—but still, this continued for almost a year. Then his wife found out.

That weekend he expressed how much he loved me and said that although he was confused about what to do, he still wanted me. But a couple days later, he called and said that his wife was willing to keep him and work on things for their children’s sake. And that was that.

A few months have passed, and I’m still devastated. I’m not sure how to get beyond this heartbreak and feeling of being “less than.” I caught a glimpse of his social media from a fellow co-worker, and all I saw were happy photos of him, his wife, and the kids, as if nothing had ever happened. I replay the things he said to me and the endless conversations we had, and think, How can he move on from me so easily?

I’ve started therapy, but I need to know how to stop my sadness and feelings of anger and resentment toward him. I’ve lost myself completely, and I don’t know how to pick myself back up. Any advice?

Anonymous
Orlando, Florida

Dear Anonymous,

Heartbreak is such an intense form of emotional injury—the painful longing, the crushing sadness—but recovery can be especially hard when the relationship was secretive, ended abruptly, and left you feeling as if you lost a contest for someone’s love. That’s what happens with infidelity: Because so much is left unsaid, a person can make all kinds of faulty assumptions. Let’s start by examining some of yours.

Your ex’s decision to stay with his wife doesn’t mean that you’re “less than” or that he has easily moved on. He was clear that he wanted to be with you—as long as he could also stay with his family. After all, he had you for sex and connection, and his wife for stability, security, the comfort of a shared history, and a mutual commitment to their children. When the affair came to light and he could no longer have both, what he faced wasn’t a choice between two people, but between two lives.

You seem to believe that if he loved you more, or if you were more X or Y, he would have chosen you after his wife found out. But commonly in affairs, no matter what the married person says about his marital dissatisfaction, he has many compelling reasons to stay. Divorce is expensive, painful, and time-consuming—not just hiring lawyers and going through that difficult process, but coordinating two households financially and logistically for the long haul. Friends, as well as family on his wife’s side who are meaningful to him, would probably cut their ties. His kids’ lives would be upended and his reputation damaged. Another man could even take on a paternal role in his kids’ lives if his wife remarries, which might just break his heart. His wife, whom he cares about (he says she’s a good person and a good mother), would endure great pain. The material quality for all members of his current household would decline. To put it plainly, he would be giving up his entire life as he knows it, all for a younger, single woman he’s known only in the context of an exciting affair, one in which he had no real commitment or responsibility.

I mention that nature of affairs because, having been married, he’s likely considered that if you two married, you’d become less shiny versions of yourselves. The intensity would eventually dissipate—all the talking and texting, all the sexual heat and witty banter and flirtation, all the looking your best for each other and being extra considerate, all the gazing into each other’s eyes. This is the stuff of courtship, and with an affair, it’s courtship on steroids. Even if you seem more compatible with him now, until he figures out why he cheated on his wife instead of communicating with her about his dissatisfaction, he won’t really know if that’s true. Nor could he really know unless the two of you get deep in the trenches of children and bad moods and health issues and dirty dishes and shared money and annoying habits and existential loneliness and fear of aging and utter exhaustion and years of the same fundamental disagreements and recycled jokes—all of which are revealed only in the experience of a long-term relationship.

Given this degree of uncertainty, would he really blow up his life for you? He may have fantasized about it with you—which only added to the already-delicious fantasy of the affair. But back in reality, not only did he tell you that he wouldn’t go through with it, but you say that when his wife found out, she took a couple of days before she decided she “was willing to keep him.” It was he who lobbied to stay.

This perspective might help you understand why he’s made the decision he has, and help you focus instead on understanding why you co-authored this fairy tale with him. That might have something to do with your description of meeting him for the first time: “It was like I had met him before, but I knew I hadn’t.”

I have a feeling that he felt familiar because although you hadn’t met him before, you had met a version of him, and you were drawn to him so strongly because of a phenomenon called “repetition compulsion.” Repetition compulsion explains why many people who had angry parents end up choosing angry partners, or those who had unavailable or critical parents find themselves married to spouses who are unavailable or critical. Without being aware of it, they have an uncanny attraction to people who share the characteristics of a person who hurt them growing up. In the beginning of a relationship, these characteristics will be barely perceptible, but the unconscious has a finely tuned radar system. It’s not that people want to get hurt again. It’s that they want to master a situation in which they felt helpless as children. Maybe this time, the unconscious imagines, I can go back and heal that wound from long ago by engaging with somebody familiar—but new. The only problem is, by choosing familiar partners, people guarantee a familiar result: They reopen the wounds and feel even more inadequate and unlovable. This might be what has happened for you.

Think about it this way: Just as you were a projection of something he is trying to work out, he was a projection of something you are trying to work out. You say you were “hooked,” and that’s an apt description; he feels like an addiction because addictions are distractions from something we don’t want to feel. But now the drug is gone and the feelings are front and center—leaving you in withdrawal, which is harrowing, but which also creates an opportunity to understand these feelings through the clarity of sobriety.

So how do you pick yourself up again? You’re already doing it, by going to therapy. You let yourself feel sad. You grieve the loss not so much of him but of the fantasy you co-created. You sit with the dissonance of wanting to spend your life with him and acknowledging that you didn’t really know him because he compartmentalized half of his life when he was with you. You ask yourself if the appeal of him was that you would never really feel safe with him. (This might also apply to the person you dated who cheated on you.) You look inside and reckon with whether you dated a married man because you were afraid of meeting someone available to you; because you felt like nobody would truly love you; because abandonment is your native language; or because the drama of an affair was a great distraction from a sense of boredom or loneliness or a great big hole in your life—and you didn’t want to take responsibility for filling it. All of this work will help you figure out what you were avoiding by hiding away with a married man, and once you do, you will be so much closer to finding the love you deserve.

Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.

10 Things Men Secretly Love about Their Wives

There are certain things about you that your husband finds irresistible.

He probably won’t brag about them to his friends. And he’s not about to make a gushy post about it on Facebook. In fact, most husbands would prefer to keep this list a secret. Not only are these things difficult to admit, but they’re difficult for them to request, as well.

Therefore, I thought you should know.

As I was writing my book, When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, I asked a wide sampling of husbands married anywhere from 10 to 60 years to tell me what it is they love most about their wives, but have difficulty communicating. And their answers were pretty much the same. So if you find yourself in these scenarios, ponder it in your heart and play it up in his life. Just don’t let on that you know.

1. You affirm him. One of the top things your husband finds most attractive (and lovable) about you is that you were at one time (and hopefully still are) attracted to him. A man wants to be around a woman who makes him feel like he’s winning.

When a wife tells her husband how proud she is of him, how much his hard work has paid off, how much he’s appreciated by his family, and that there’s no one else like him, it says to him that he is cutting it not only as a man, but as a husband. Let him know he’s still hot, he can still get your heart racing, he’s a great provider, he is great at what he does – whatever it is that you can compliment him on. And mean it. A woman who sings his praises is a woman he’ll come after…so he can hear more!

2. You’re a mystery. Men still love a challenge, they just don’t want things too complicated. One husband told me, “One of the most profound things that continues to attract me is that my wife is an unsolvable intrigue – I can’t predict how she will be feeling or react as it depends on what she is experiencing and feeling in many areas of her life and relationships. This challenges me to search how I can be the type of husband to help meet a portion of her emotional needs. This unpredictability, while burdensome at times, actually challenges me at the deepest level of the relationship to pursue her as a love interest.”

When you become a mystery to your husband, there are things about you that he still wants to know, things you’re thinking that he’d like for you to divulge, secrets in your soul that he’ll be challenged to draw out. Be to him a treasure chest full of secrets he’s dying to unlock!

3. Your walk with God. Maya Angelou once said, “A woman’s heart should be so lost in God that her husband has to seek Him in order to find her.” I’ve seen men marvel at the depth of their wives’ relationship with God. They, at times, wonder if they can ever get that personal with God. It’s your ability to be relational, to go below the surface, to put your whole heart into a relationship that intrigues him. When you have an intimate devotional life with Christ, and are controlled by His Spirit, your life will produce the fruits of His Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control (Galatians 5:22-23). What man doesn’t want to chase after a woman who is truly joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and – they love this one the best – self-controlled!

4. Your confident glow. What is the opposite of high maintenance? A confident woman who knows who she is and where she’s going. Chances are your husband once found in you a confidence that attracted him to you. So, regardless of how you might feel about your weight, body shape, big knees, small chest, cellulite, spider veins or whatever, get over it. He has. Honestly, he doesn’t see all the body flaws you think are so very obvious. He doesn’t analyze or critique your body nearly as much as you do. In fact, male eyes are pretty forgiving and “blind” when it comes to your physical (and often over-exaggerated) flaws. When you express confidence in your speech, your walk, your body, your mannerisms, and your relationship with him, he finds that attractive.

5. Your initiative. It was surprising to me how many husbands told me their wives were the ones who first initiated the relationship. Then years later, their wives suddenly expected their husbands to start doing the initiating. Men, inherently, have a fear of rejection, which often continues even after marriage. So a wife’s initiation well after marriage makes a husband feel loved, pursued, and confident. Initiate a hug. Initiate a back rub. Initiate lovemaking. Chances are, he recognizes that he still needs that extra push.

6. Your ability to flirt. Remember what I said about a man’s fear of rejection? He loves that you have the confidence – and initiative – to flirt with him, even when he’s forgotten how. Flirting is not talking about what the two of you need to do around the house. It’s more like reminding him of something you admire in him or telling him he’s great at something (which goes back to how he loves that you affirm him). It’s a lot like being the cheerleader again and seeing him as the football star. Husbands love that ego boost – especially from their wives – but will rarely admit it.

7. Your positive attitude. Your husband loves a positive attitude. But he’s not likely to confront you when you’re being negative. Dan said what he finds most attractive about his wife, Debbie, is “her mood and demeanor are almost always pleasant and positive. I can always count on a smile or kind word. I never ever worry about what kind of mood she is in.” When a man can count on a smile or kind word when he walks through the front door, he’ll anticipate his homecoming a lot more. One man said: “My wife is very nice and gracious and loving toward others. She always has a nice answer for people and never talks negatively about anyone. She’s soft…and she rarely hurts anyone with her words or actions.” Positive people are enjoyable to be around. If you’re pleasant, he’ll generally want to be in your company

8. Your partnership. While your husband has interests that are different than yours and certainly needs his guy time, he loves when his wife joins him in his passion once in awhile. My friend, Michelle, found that she began to be more interesting – and more of a pursuit — to her husband when she adopted his interest in working out.

“I was complaining to my husband that I was tired, bored, and didn’t have time to exercise. He told me that the kids were always going to take my time, but that I was the only one who could make working out a priority. I started to listen. I made time for my workouts a priority. I made the kids ride their bikes, while I started running. Now, years later, I’m not the nagging, tired, old wife. I am the new wife, with a cute body, and more interesting things to talk about. We talk about workouts, nutrition, and even exercise together. It has really ignited a new passion within our marriage. I can’t keep up with my husband, but the fact that I try endears me to his heart and makes things more interesting.”

9. Your dependability. In a world where one in two marriages end in divorce , your dependability, steadfastness, and commitment to your husband is something he values more than you know. One husband told me “My wife is committed to me. She hasn’t ever considered that we wouldn’t solve a problem together. That is very attractive. That is something I need. And that’s another thing I love about her.”

10. Your differences. It’s been said a woman marries a man to change him but a man marries a woman hoping she’ll never change. It’s true. The last thing a husband wants is for his wife to change. He likes the way you’re different from him and the way you balance him out.

Steve, married just over 10 years, summed up what I’ve heard so many husbands say about their wives through the years: He said “I find her differences attractive.”

“All the things that I find attractive about my wife stem from one thing: her ability to do things I can’t do,” Steve said. “I rely on her a lot to help me be a more functional person and as I get older, I better understand what I am pathetic at and what I need her to help me with. So, her ability to do things like shop for people, remember birthdays, cook, dress herself and me well, make the house a home, smooth over social situations where I put my foot in my mouth, meet people at parties, keep in touch with friends – those are functional things that she can do and I can’t.”

As you exude the confidence that comes from being a woman – as unique and as different as you are, it is one of the things that makes you truly attractive – and enticing – to your man.

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of 15 books including When Women Walk Alone (more than 120,000 copies sold), When Couples Walk Together, which she co-authored with her husband, Hugh, and When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, upon which this article is based. Cindi and her husband have been married 27 years and have a grown daughter. For more on her ministry, books or free resources to strengthen your soul, marriage, or parenting, see her website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.

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