What narcissists do in an argument?
Arguing With Narcissist | Tips For Arguing With Narcissist
You know who we’re talking about: the person who is so caught up in themselves that they don’t see anyone else’s point of view. If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, then you already know how to argue with them. But for those of you who are new to this, here are some tips and tricks that will help your argument go smoothly and get what you want from the situation. There are some tips for arguing with a narcissist.
- 1 What Is ‘Arguing With Narcissist’?
- 2 Tips For Arguing With Narcissist
- 2.1 Avoid Taking Things Personally
- 2.2 Don’t Use Ad Hominems
- 2.3 Don’t Get Angry
- 2.4 Try To Stay Calm And Rational
- 2.5 End Conversation If Necessary
- 2.6 Learn To Ignore Narcissistic Remarks
- 2.7 Try To Keep Focus On Them
What Is ‘Arguing With Narcissist’?
Narcissists are very good at arguing. They can argue about anything and everything, even if they don’t know the topic well. This is because their goal isn’t to win an argument but rather to make you lose it . When criticized by someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), they’re actually more likely than not to argue until their opponent loses interest in continuing the conversation! It’s just another way that narcissist shows off superiority.
Tips For Arguing With Narcissist
These are the tips on how to argue with a narcissist:
Avoid Taking Things Personally
When narcissists criticize you, it’s not actually about you. It’s about them and their need to feel superior. So don’t take things personally because that will only make the argument worse. This is especially important when narcissists start using personal insults. Narcissists can be very good at insulting people. Sometimes, they’re even able to find something personal about you that they can insult!
Don’t Use Ad Hominems
To avoid using ad hominems is not saying anything against the person but rather their arguments or ideas. This means don’t attack them personally but only what they are saying/doing. This makes the argument less personal and more about ideas. Only use ad hominems if you have to, but it’s important that the narcissist isn’t able to say your attack was due to a personality trait or something like this.
Don’t Get Angry
It might be really hard not to get angry when arguing with a narcissist because they know how to push our buttons and make us feel bad. So try practicing mindfulness meditation daily so before going into an argument, you can calm yourself down first using breathing exercises! This way you won’t get as emotionally involved in the fight making things easier for you.
Try To Stay Calm And Rational
When arguing with a narcissist, it’s important to stay calm and rational. This is because narcissists feed off of drama and emotional responses. If you can remain calm, they will eventually get bored or frustrated with the argument and stop participating.
End Conversation If Necessary
If things are getting too heated or out of hand, it’s best to end the conversation altogether. Narcissists love arguments and will continue them even if they’re not going anywhere. So if you feel like you can’t handle it anymore, walk away! You don’t have to explain yourself to them – just leave. This will show them that you’re not going to put up with their nonsense.
Learn To Ignore Narcissistic Remarks
Narcissists are known for making snide comments and personal insults when they feel threatened. But the best way to deal with these remarks is just to ignore them! By responding, you’re giving narcissists what they want: control over your emotions and attention. So whenever possible it’s recommended that we try to stay away from narcissistic remarks or anything that makes us upset/angry in order not to feed into their need for superiority and power.
Try To Keep Focus On Them
It’s difficult to keep the focus on a narcissist when they make it all about you. But if we can do this, then there won’t be much room for arguing! So whenever possible try to stay calm and collected while repeating what the narcissists said or did in order to remind them that it was their actions/words that caused the problem and not yours. This way they will eventually get sick of trying to blame others and hopefully stop doing whatever made us angry in the first place!
In conclusion, arguing with a narcissist is difficult but definitely possible! Just try not to take things personally, remain calm and rational, walk away if necessary, ignore their narcissistic remarks as much as you can, and keep the focus on them. These are some of the best tips for dealing with arguments with a narcissist. It doesn’t mean it will be easy but hopefully, these tips can help you have a less stressful argument.
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34 Things Covert Narcissists Say in an Argument
Having a relationship with a narcissist is tough; if it’s a covert narcissist, it is tougher.
A covert narcissist is a person with narcissistic tendencies or suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder, but doesn’t openly behave like a narcissist. Typically, they put on a show of being shy, humble, caring, and unselfish. But they are anything but these.
Covert narcissists are experts at the art of dominating and manipulation without you being aware of what is happening. They’ll lie, cheat and use underhanded covert narcissistic tactics to accomplish their desires with no care for you or your emotions. Minimizing, projecting, gaslighting, and ridiculing are some of the common covert narcissistic strategies.
They achieve their goal by making you feel you’re wrong. They ignore your arguments and use evasive maneuvers to avoid conflicts and resolve them with maturity. Things covert narcissists do can be incomprehensible to a normal person. They are usually passive-aggressive and emotional manipulation is a tool they favor to take advantage of their victims.
A person may have narcissistic traits even if they are not diagnosed with a covert narcissistic personality disorder or NPD. They hate to lose arguments or else their ego gets damaged. As the toll of a loss is heavy for a narcissist, they will use any means to achieve what they want.
“All’s fair in love and war”. This is how they justify their words and actions.
This article is an attempt at understanding the behavior of a covert narcissist. Here you will find all you need to know before getting into an argument with a covert narcissist. This article also includes things covert narcissists say in an argument so that you’ll be well-prepared for the next round.
Things covert narcissists say in an argument
Being covert, they are not easy to identify. However, their covertness doesn’t make them any less toxic or harmless. They are sometimes worse than overt narcissists. Because when you are dealing with an overt narcissist, others would be aware of what you’re going through and it would be easier for you to get help.
When you are dealing with a covert narcissist, you may need all the help you can get to recognize them and handle them in the best way possible to safeguard your interests. These are typical arguments, statements, and phrases covert narcissists use. Once you’re aware of the things covert narcissists say in an argument, you can do a better job of protecting yourself.
- You’re too soft and sensitive.
- You’re overreacting and upset over nothing.
- You’re exaggerating and making a great deal of nothing.
- You’re so aggressive and always attacking and reproaching me.
- You’re always so callous and malicious to me.
- Can’t you just agree with me for once?
- Can you try to be nice to me for a change?
- You’ve no idea what you’re saying.
- Really? Do you believe that to be true?
- I just can’t believe you would say this to me.
- You’re the problem and not me.
- I’m restraining myself to not upset you.
- I’m sorry to break your heart, but ….
- You force me to retaliate. It’s all your fault.
- It’s your fault that I’m feeling horrible.
- You said so. (Or, You agreed to this.)
- I don’t appreciate how you said that to me.
- You’re the only one who thinks like that.
- If you ask anyone; they would agree with me.
- Calm down. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
- This isn’t the first time I did this. Why didn’t you say anything earlier?
- This is so inconsequential. Why are you upset about it?
- How am I to blame? It’s you/work/stress or lack of time/money.
- I did this only because you did that. How am I at fault?
- You knew well who I was from the beginning. Why did you marry me?
- Why are you accusing me? I never would do/say that.
- How can you say that when you know very well it never happened that way?
- You twist facts. It’s not how you say it is.
- Your words are empty and false.
- Your proof doesn’t amount to anything.
- That’s so absurd.
- You’re mad and unhinged.
- Just recognize that there’s something quite wrong with you.
- After all that I’ve done for you, is this how you’re planning to repay me?
Characteristics and behavior of a covert narcissist
Covert narcissists hide their narcissistic traits intentionally or unintentionally. Sometimes, not even they are aware of the flaws and anomalies in their character and behavior.
These character traits are usually found in covert narcissists.
- Shy, reserved, and introverted
- Passive aggression
- Covert grandiosity
- Inability to handle criticism
- Demand attention
- Need for appreciation and adoration
All these character traits will reflect in their behavior in negative tones. Here are some weird things covert narcissists do.
- Stubborn and dishonest
- Envious and jealous
- Inability to converse with maturity
- Unable to resolve disagreements and conflicts amicably
- Need to dominate and always win
- Lack of empathy and sympathy
- Skewed self-esteem and fragile ego
- Superiority complex, hero complex, and victim mentality
- Seeks validation
- Avoids responsibilities and holds grudges
- Consider themselves unrealized geniuses
- Sociopathic and psychopathic behavior
That is quite a collection of negative behavior. You may not find all of them in the same person. But a person with a covert narcissistic personality disorder will display many of the behavior traits listed above.
10 common arguing techniques of a covert narcissist
What do covert narcissists say in an argument? It depends on the position they find themselves in. Being master manipulators, they can change tracks in the blink of an eye.
- They lie and deny: As they need to win at any cost, they may lie and deny to confuse you and muddy up the situation. You may find this similar to being gaslit. Gaslighting involves denying something happened when you know for sure it happened. You will begin to doubt your sanity and ability to judge people and situations.
- They behave in a high-handed manner: They intend to dominate the conversation. They use aggressive methods to incite and intimidate you. They want you to either back down or accept them as right.
- They accuse and project: They use this to shift the focus from themselves to you. They may blame you for toxic behavior, even as they refuse to accept and address their own.
- They argue in bad faith: They don’t take the effort to understand your perspective. Sometimes they may do this even deliberately. They use hurtful words without caring for your feelings.
- They talk rubbish and rely on falsehood: Their arguments may be too illogical, incoherent, and peppered with factual untruths. They may rely on techniques they don’t understand, but consider as sane, rational, and reasonable.
- They like to gossip and rely on slander: Covert narcissists use this technique to win you over to their side and agree with whatever they are saying. They have no scruples about tarnishing the reputation of a person to get what they want.
- They minimize your pain and distress: Their lack of empathy can be blamed for their uncaring and ruthless behavior. They may also do this deliberately to take advantage of you. If you try to make them aware of this, they may minimize or downplay the whole episode.
- They may shift the blame from themselves: From a narcissist’s perspective, they can never be wrong. In case you accuse them of something, they will find a loophole to turn the tables on you and shift the blame to you. Instead of them apologizing, they will force you to apologize for something they did.
- They ridicule you and make you feel foolish: Narcissists are very good at changing the narrative and twisting facts to suit themselves. When arguing with a narcissist, you can expect to be pulled down, mocked and laughed at, showered with insults, and made to look silly and unreasonable.
- They redirect, deflect, and use evasive tactics: When confronted with indisputable evidence of their negative behavior, a covert narcissist would use any of these techniques to distract attention and escape unhurt. This includes bringing old or irrelevant issues into the mix, projection, and guilt-tripping.
How to respond to a covert narcissistic argument?
- Don’t believe them blindly
- Don’t feel embarrassed or offended
- Don’t bother pointing out their flaws
- Don’t expect them to apologize
- Don’t get too emotional
- Use a counterintuitive approach
- Focus on facts and truths
- Use “I” statements as opposed to “You” ones
- Keep your cool (You may try the Gray Rock approach)
- Stay focused and resist distractions
- Hold your ground and maintain your boundaries
- Let go of your expectations
- Consider setting limits
- If you feel threatened, walk away without delay
Final thoughts on things covert narcissists say in an argument
Arguing with a person with a covert narcissistic personality disorder is a waste of breath and time for you. Things covert narcissists say in an argument can astonish even the seasoned and hard-hearted.
However, when they drag you into an argument, you may find yourself trapped and cannot escape. You should be well-prepared to deal with such situations if you’re living with a covert narcissist.
When dealing with covert narcissists in relationships, the trick is not to rise to their bait and let them take control of the situation. The best approach for you is to stay one step ahead of them and avert their covert narcissistic game plan. And, always leave an exit route open should they prove too much for you to handle.
Almost everything a narcissist does is about manipulation. They are always manipulating someone whether it’s a spouse, friend, relative or co-worker to feed their ego and replenish their supply. Some people can see right through them but unfortunately, most get caught up in their cycle of abuse. If you have a narcissist in your life, then you know that arguments or even constructive conversations can be brutal and make you feel as if you are going crazy. It’s because they are manipulators and purposely twist any conversation to maintain control over the other person and deprive them of a voice.
The narcissist uses a word salad when they are confronted with something that they do not want to talk about or if they are being called out. You may have questions about their behavior or the relationship or they could pick a fight with you or say something mean. It does not matter how it starts or who started it, they twist your words and confuse you to the point that you are doubting yourself and your beliefs.
How to tell if you have been a victim of word salad:
Talk in Circles
The flashing, neon sign that you are in a word salad conversation is that you feel as if the narcissist is talking in circles and keeps bringing the same thing up over and over again. You make think that a point has been resolved and a few minutes later they are bringing it back up again, making the exact same points. They are trying to keep you engaged and keep it going so you get frustrated, accept blame, and end the conversation. They continually repeat themselves and there will never be a resolution.
Conversation Lacks Sense
As part of their word salad, they will throw random words and comments into the conversation that have nothing to do with what you are talking about and make no sense. This is to throw you off and distract you from the point you are trying to make. This confuses you and gets the conversation off on tangents that deflect from the main point.
Makes Excuses & Accusations
A narcissist is never wrong, and nothing is ever their fault. If you confront them about something they said, or did that was hurtful they will have a handful of excuses to explain it. Usually, their reason is because of something you did, therefore they turn it back onto you and blame you for their bad behavior.
They are also very good at projection and accusations. They will hurl insults at you that are really their own flaws. They will call you selfish, crazy, too sensitive, overly dramatic, a liar or irrational. They are projecting onto you, and you are forced to defend yourself and the spotlight is now on you and off them.
They never said it, they never did it, they were never there. You could have undeniable proof, pictures, recordings, it does not matter, they will deny anything and everything that may make them look bad. They could tell you something and then minutes later deny ever saying it. They deny to protect themselves from their flaws. This is a form of gaslighting you. By continually denying something it makes you question your reality and then you start believing that you are the problem. Word salad manipulation.
Patronizing and Condescending
As we have said many times before, a narcissist is never wrong. They are superior to everyone and by far the smartest person in the room. At least according to them. It would make sense that any argument you have with them they will talk down to you and treat you like a child. They will continue to talk in circles, blame you, use your words against you, all to try and get you fired up and exasperated. You get confused and flustered and the whole time they remain calm and condescending. When you react to it, they call you unreasonable or out of control.
The narcissist sees themselves as the eternal victim. They will consistently make excuses, blame others for their actions or deny it ever happened. These word salad conversations are designed to punish you for calling them out and will continue until you give up and accept that they were right all along. You will leave the conversation feeling emotionally drained and as if your concerns were never heard, leaving no resolution for you.
The result is you end up not engaging in conversations or bringing up things that bother you because you know it will end in the same way. You know nothing will be accomplished and your feelings will not be validated, and you will leave convinced the problem is you. They have conditioned you to stay silent and not challenge them, therefore they can keep their control over you.
There is a way to successfully get out of a marriage to a narcissist. The most important step is to have a plan. It is not easy to divorce a narcissist but with proper planning it can be done. At Florida Women’s Law Group, we have experience dealing with narcissists and know how to beat them at their own game. We can help you successfully get out of this relationship and start a healthier and happier life.